A Tyranny of Cats in Ukraine

The perpetually alert Yanukovych regime has recently mounted an assault on cats and other animals. For instance, a preposterously worded draft law, “On Reforming and Improving the System of Free Time in the Sphere of Defending the Surrounding Natural Environment, the Rational and Sustainable Use of Natural Resources and Ecological Security, on Reducing Regulatory Pressure on Subjects of Economic Activity,” appears to give the authorities the right to hunt down stray cats and dogs. As you may recall, the local Regionnaire authorities rid the streets of Kyiv, Kharkiv, and Donetsk of strays in anticipation of the Euro 2102 soccer championship earlier this summer. Legalizing such behavior makes perfect sense. After all, since the regime treats people as animals, why should it treat animals as animals?

But there’s more to the Yanukovych regime’s campaign against cats. The following Top Secret memorandum, graciously translated by Ukraine’s Minister of Education, Youth, and Sports Dmitri Tabachnik, recently came into my possession. I reprint it here without any changes.

To: Comrade President Viktor Yanukovich
From: Igor Kalinin, Head of Ukrainian Security Service
Regarding: Subversion of Ukraine by Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalists

Esteemed Comrade Yanukovich,

It has most surely come to your esteemed attention the recent scandals in friendly neighboring state Russian Federation and in Ukraine big town of Dneprodzerzhinsk. I am having in mind latest attempts of Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalists to undermine and subvert solidity of Ukraine state and Most Democratic Rule of you. I am having in mind “CATS.”

No, Comrade President, I am not having in mind morally repulsive Broadway musical with salacious name CATS. (I am returning to same topic below.) I am, instead, esteemed Comrade President, having in mind PUSSY RIOT and subversive poster of babushka with CAT in Dneprodzerzhinsk.

It is needless to say so-called PUSSY RIOT is Zionist plot. As Comrade Tabachnik having said to me: “Is any wonder all Zionists have name KATZ?” Comrade Putin is understanding threat and is acting upon it with greatest decisiveness in world. It is also needless to say that poster of babushka with cat in Dneprodzerzhinsk, in which she saying that, “When I learned my grandson supported the Party of Regions, I transferred my house to my cat,” is Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalist plot. The both plots are being intended to undermine democracy in Russia and Ukraine!

Most energetic measures must be adopted to stopping plot!

Comrade Putin has placed pussycats in jail. Offensive subversive poster in Dneprodzerzhinsk is having been removed. But that is NOT enough!

We must do more, or else Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalists will resume campaign against Yanukovich democracy!

I am proposing to you immediately there being adopted in Ukraine following means and measures for stopping very big threat from—CATS. Da, Comrade President, we must be attacking problem not superficially, at surface level, but deep, deep, deep, in language and mentality of our beloved people. Problem of CATS must be addressed. CATS, Comrade President, must be removed from mentalitational and linguistational processes of Ukrainian people, young and old, big and small.

Comrade Minister of Education Dmitri Tabachnik and me having therefore developed complex program of fighting problem of subversion by CATS. We are therefore recommending following means and measures of purely democratic intent in ongoing struggle against Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalists.

In theatre:

  • Broadway musical by name of CATS will being permitted appear on stages of Ukraine only if title and all references in lyrics are being subjected to change. No more CATS! Suggesting alternative: DOGS.
  • Critical of decadent America play by Mister Tennessee Williams, “A Cat on the Hot Tin Roof,” must being renamed. Suggesting alternative: “Furry Creature on the Hot Tin Roof.”

In movies:

  • It is being most obvious that “Catwoman” of Batman movies is not permissible in democratic Ukrainian state of President Yanukovich. Suggesting alternative: “Animalwoman.”

In singing:

  • We must be banning popular 1960s’ song by decadent American group, so-called Rascals, “Feelin’ Groovy.” As esteemed Minister of Education pointing out, “Feelin’” is being pronounced “feline” in many Ukraine cities, and is obviously big invitation to subversion.

I am having, Comrade President, many more most excellent ideas for combating subversion of democratic Yanukovich state. But these here being, I am hoping, a foretasting of ways and means I am intending to adopt in death struggle with Imperialist Fascist Zionist Bourgeois Nationalists.

Comrade President! Democratic Yanukovich Ukraine is just being celebrating anniversary of independence on August 24. You are being congratulated by me and all security cadres on having being transformed orange subversive chaos into true Yanukovich democracy and stability.

Next year, Comrade President, Yanukovych stability and democracy will being approaching perfection. With recommending elimination of cats, Ukrainian people will be loving you like man’s best friend.

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